Grades for revised drafts

Myself:
Point of View:3
Evidence:3
Organization:2
Connections and Significance:1
Opposing view points:1
Communication Written:3
Total:13/24
There are many parts I am missing but I will add them in over the weekend. My organization isn't the best but that is another thing I will be working on.

Rachel:
Point of View:3
Evidence:3
Organization:3
Connections and Significance:4
Opposing view points:3
Communication Written:3
Total:19/24

Rachel,

I like what you have so far, Your paper has everything that it needs to have. There are some things that you can make stronger though.

If I were to be grading your paper at this moment I would give you a total of 19/24. For your point of view I gave you 3 points. I feel like what you have is interesting and well said but it doesn't seem to be "sharp". For the evidence I gave you 3 points; you cite many sources and explain what you found. I think that you should get more accurate evidence. For example in your first paragraph you talk about cell phones and how they help us connect with each other. You use a quote about how it helps business people but that just limits the people who actually have a career in business. If I were you I would find a quote about how someone used their cell phone when they were in need of help. That is something that seems to relate to everyone. For organization I would give you 3 points. The overall structure of the paper is very good. I feel like your thesis needs to be short and simple. Remember your thesis is what you are trying to prove in your paper. You want the reader to have that in mind the whole time they are reading your paper. If you keep it short and simple they will remember the main point of your paper better. For connections and significance I would give you a total of 4 points. I feel like you do a great job making comparisons between the two authors. Opposing view points I would give 3 points. You don't seem to use any quotes or any other type of evidence though. Written communication would be a 3 as well. I feel like if you read your paper aloud to your self then you would be able to catch many mistakes. Same goes for communication performance.

Great job so far though, I have not completed my revised draft so I was able to learn many new things while reading and grading yours.

Later,
Amber