Hwk 36

Larche,
“The society pressures us into molding ourselves into a different creature, we are all moths that are thinking that this lightbulb is the moon...”

Cool is changing in the speed of light, we can’t be able to keep up with it, yet we force ourselves to do so. There are so many different types of cool as well, each individual has a different definition of cool. None of us know this real meaning of cool yet, but we try so hard to figure it out. We are all masking ourselves into something that we aren’t, we all try so hard to be so artificial. This is what the society teaches all of us to do. When we feel this sense of meaninglessness we have nowhere else to turn to. We just start to follow what everyone else is doing, or do what we are told by society. Getting tattoos, piercings, becoming buff, wearing make up; these are all things we do because we are told to do so.
Personally, I think this is a very strong start for your paper. You have many great things to say but there are a couple more things that you need to tweak or add to make this paper better, since there is always room for improvement...

- Try using a quote from a real person that YOU did an interview with in person, or when Mr. Fanning came into Andy’s class.
- You should use the merchants of cool, or the research we did on cool to show how we are all trying to change ourselves for the “better”.
- Try to expand by adding more paragraphs with more evidence to back up your thesis
- I see you are missing a conclusion, or last paragraph of the essay; restate your thesis and end off with a strong last paragraph to keep the reader wanting more.
- Proof read a couple of times to make sure grammar is correct and you are making sense.

Hopefully this will help :)


Charles,
“We are all trying to “fit” ourselves into a certain box that shows off how cool we are, without doing so we would not be accepted by society.”

Each individual living on this planet makes at least one attempt to be cool throughout their life time. It’s something that we naturally adapt to do, we all want to be cool, but aren’t able to grasp the full aspect of it because there is no real definition of cool since it is changing ever so fast. People use their exterior self to show who they are because that’s the only thing people actually get to look at before they know you. They already start to judge you before a word comes out your mouth; I guess that’s why they created the saying “dress to impress.” Showing the society who you are by wearing name brand clothing can send them many messages. They are going to assume you have high amounts of money, you may be snobby or that you have a great sense of style. These are all assumptions being made by individuals you don’t even know exist.

Honestly, I think that you have a good rough draft. You have lots of thoughts about this topic of trying to fit in and be cool. You only seem to talk about the exterior part of being cool, how about the interior part? Here is a to-do list I have created for you, you should complete all these tasks before you post your final draft up....

- Mention James Dean in the movie Rebel without a cause, and talk about his character and how hard he tries to fit in with the “cool” crowd.
- Use the discussions we had in class, use your notebook as a reference. Remember that chart we made with the Behavior, Body and Name? Use some of the ideas we came up with for each section and elaborate on how it makes us feel “cool”.
- Try to connect this cool aspect with the sense of meaninglessness. What is the true reason that all humans have a need to be cool in some way? What causes this?
- Use an interview you did with a friend or a random person on the street and talk more about that one individual in specific.
- Have all your paragraphs with subtitles on your final draft, and proof read your final work before posting it up.

Hope this to-do list is useful when revising your paper :)